How Guys Make Meaningful Connections and Stop Going it Alone
The Impact of Isolation and Loneliness on Men’s Mental Health.
As an inherently social species, humans have a basic need to belong – to a tribe, a village, or a community. We look to our fellow kinsmen for safety and survival, as these social connections are essential for our mental and physical well-being. The fact is - we’re better together.
However, when we find ourselves without a tribe of our own, we experience loneliness, a state that can be as devastating to our well-being as any outside threat.
Social relationships and the ability to successfully integrate into various communal environments are crucial for emotional fulfilment and development. If our opportunities to connect socially are threatened, our sense of self is also threatened. For a lot of men, this sense of self, fostered by meaningful social relationships is missing, if non-existent, due to the very real barriers that keep men isolated.
What is the difference between solitude, loneliness, and isolation?
The terms solitude, isolation and loneliness are often used interchangeably in conversation, but their differences are worth noting. Consider this - sometimes spending time alone, or in solitude, is a way to feel rested and more rejuvenated, and does not incite feelings of loneliness. This is especially true if you are more introverted and thoroughly enjoy a bit of quiet time in your day. Conversely, you can attend a crowded party, but if you don’t feel connected to anyone there, you can feel the sting of loneliness while being surrounded by others.
Let’s take a closer look at these terms:
Solitude
Being in solitude is synonymous with being alone. Solitude is a very subjective experience and men can often find their need for solitude ebbs and flows throughout the different phases of their lives. As we noted with the example of the introvert above, who enjoys more solitude than an extrovert might. And while being in solitude can contribute to feeling lonely, it is not a direct indicator.
Loneliness
Everyone feels lonely from time to time, but the circumstances from which these feelings arise, vary widely from person to person. Loneliness can feel like a longing for social connection and intimate interaction, or can even resemble depression.
Sometimes loneliness shows up after a traumatic life event or transition has occurred. For example, if someone close to you dies, the mental and emotional grief you’re experiencing can make it feel like you’re in a world of your own. Perhaps you feel sad and listless and, therefore, less inclined to visit with friends or return phone calls. This only exacerbates the loneliness. Losing a job, getting an upsetting diagnosis from your doctor or going through a divorce could also have the same cascading effect.
Another cause of loneliness is the inability to maintain functional social relationships, which leads to social isolation.
Isolation (Social Isolation).
When we talk about social isolation, we’re either talking about an individual’s lack of close, supportive relationships or having insufficient contact with others. Living alone, working from home and being single can contribute to social isolation, however, these factors do not necessarily make a person feel lonely.
Social isolation becomes problematic when it is prolonged and when a person finds they lack the emotional support or amount of social contact they need to maintain their mental and emotional wellbeing.
Feeling distant from coworkers and not having anyone in your life you can count on can make you feel lonely or depressed. Symptoms that arise as a result of prolonged social isolation can be an indicator that you lack the community you need.
An inability to form strong social relationships can sometimes make you feel anxious about getting together with other people, or unworthy of companionship, which harms self-esteem.
According to the School of Public Health, Tulane University, the following are symptoms that often occur as a result of prolonged social isolation.
• Avoiding social interactions, including those that were once enjoyable
• Canceling plans frequently and feeling relief when plans are canceled
• Experiencing anxiety or panic when thinking about social interactions
• Feeling distress during periods of solitude
• Feeling dread associated with social activities
• Spending large amounts of time alone or with extremely limited contact with others
It’s important to note that social isolation can be as much of an emotional problem as it is a physical one. You might be surrounded by family members or coworkers who want to talk with you but you still experience social isolation because of your inability to communicate well.
Why do men struggle with loneliness and social isolation?
Men are often all too familiar with the experience of isolation.
As a clinician who has frequent conversations with men, and their experience of loneliness and isolation, the common narrative is that men are reluctant to seek out other men to create new friendships.
On average, most men I talk to have one, possibly two friends. What is most concerning is that even these relationships are at best superficial, and lack any real depth.
A lot of men will say that they don’t know how to make friends, or that they don’t feel confident or comfortable reaching out to someone – particularly other men that they don’t know - to form a connection.
In childhood, men are taught to be self-reliant and that masculinity is a symbol of fortitude. They are taught that needing others or talking about personal or emotional matters with others is a sign of weakness.
The simple act of asking another man for his cell number so that it’s possible to connect, evokes homophobic concerns for a lot of men. The thought that they are overstepping some unforeseen social or cultural boundary that threatens their masculinity is something to be avoided at all costs.
Men simply don’t have the types of in-depth relationships with other men, or women, that allow them to experience the full enjoyment of life, or to weather it when it gets tough.
How does social isolation impact men’s mental health?
If having good social relationships helps us feel safe and secure in our sense of belonging, while shaping our identity, it's no surprise that social isolation can negatively affect a man's health as well as his outlook on life.
Research indicates that healthy relationships equal healthier, happier people.
Chronic stress, depression, and poor sleep - all potential symptoms of loneliness - can weaken the immune system and make you less emotionally resilient.
One paradox of loneliness is that the depressive symptoms can also decrease a person’s self-esteem and increase irritability. You might also be prone to feeling hyper-vigilant when assessing social situations scanning for potential threats. This social discomfort can make you less likely to engage with others, only perpetuating the cycle of loneliness.
What practical steps can men take to address social isolation?
There are several practical steps guys can adopt to address the experience of social isolation and loneliness. While it’s quite possible to work through the following steps on your own, working with a mental health professional can offer valuable support.
Acknowledgment
Acknowledging your feelings and assessing the impact social isolation has on your life is the first step in addressing it. This acknowledgment might feel uncomfortable, producing anxiety or feelings of vulnerability, self-doubt or shame. If you have had unsuccessful attempts to connect with others in the past, you might even fear being rejected. The truth is, though, everyone has a place and people with whom they belong and the power to create or discover a tribe that makes them feel safe, seen and welcome.
Evaluate
Take some time to evaluate your loneliness. When does loneliness hit you the hardest? What’s happening at the time that you recognize that these feelings occur? Does loneliness happen at work, or during the evening, or on the weekend? What thoughts occurred when you felt alone, or isolated? Write these situations and thoughts down in a journal – this is going to be your benchmark from which to work.
Enhance
It really doesn’t matter how old you are, most of us can always learn how to improve our social skills. For some guys, small talk is more painful than a root canal procedure. However, learning how to connect with others, and fostering conversation takes practice.
Encouraging others to talk, requires learning how to initiate and hold a conversation. Asking open-ended questions (the classic - who, what, how type questions) keep the conversation flowing and encourages others to talk about themselves. Developing listening skills ensures that the person we’re talking with, feels seen, heard, and understood - one of the most valuable skills we can develop for human connection.
Engage
Engagement is all about increasing the opportunities for social interaction. What helps a lot of men improve the frequency of interaction, is to consider the things that they enjoy. Interaction via common purpose is the key here. What interests, hobbies or pursuits can you think of that would allow you to connect with others?
For example, taking up a class to learn a new interest, or taking your dog to a park where you can meet other pet owners. Other ideas such as volunteering for something that sparks your interest can be rewarding, or group physical activities, like team sports, are all excellent ways to stay fit and socialize at the same time. The different options for social engagement are limited to one’s imagination.
Prioritize
Scheduling social time can be a challenge for a lot of men, who are juggling work and family responsibilities. Making social interactions a priority is vital to addressing loneliness and isolation. Think of this action as you would when developing any other form of healthy habit.
Social connections can take all matter of forms, and while ideally in-person is better for us, we can connect more frequently via the use of technology. The thing we need to consider is making friendships and social interactions a core focus of our daily practice. Where your focus goes, your energy flows.
Expectations
Not everyone is meant to be a social butterfly or life of the party. Feeling like you have to measure up to societal standards in terms of social interaction can put unnecessary pressure on you. Instead, think of what kinds of interactions fill you up, rather than drain you emotionally, and use that as your compass for increasing your connections.
Also remember, trusted relationships are built over time so give yourself grace during the process. Think of changing your social engagements in the form of incremental action. It all takes time, so imagine yourself taking small, measured steps each day to improve your situation. Write these expectations or goals down, and revisit them periodically.
If you don’t feel like you’re ready or able to set aside a big chunk of time in your schedule for new social commitments, try being more present with the people you already have in your life. Chances are, you have opportunities to interact with others in a more meaningful way, right under your nose. Don’t take for granted the wonderful support network you can find in the co-workers, family members and neighbors you see every day. Making eye contact, asking questions and really listening to the answers, and sitting with someone for a cup of coffee are experiences that build a more fulfilling social circle.
Support
Other than having someone to confide in each week, you might be wondering how therapy can help you address your feelings of loneliness and isolation. First off, don’t underestimate the good it can do to practice sharing your feelings with another person in a completely safe environment. There is no risk of judgment or rejection and a good therapist can help you see from an outside perspective, where you might be blocking connections with other people.
There are times when our social skills need some external input, or we need help challenging and changing some of the negative thoughts or beliefs we hold – that inhibit our ability to connect with others. Therapy can help uncover your social 'blind spots' so that you can overcome the loneliness.
Examining your life and how you interact with others can be an extremely empowering experience. You get to choose how, when and who you develop the connections that instill meaning and purpose – while improving your mental and physical health. It's essentially a win–win situation.
Debrief & Digest
• Men simply don’t have the types of in-depth relationships with other men, or women, that allow them to experience the full enjoyment of life, or to weather it when it gets tough.
• The terms solitude, isolation and loneliness are often used interchangeably in conversation, but their differences are worth exploring.
• Everyone has a place and people with whom they belong and the power to create or discover a tribe that makes them feel safe, seen and welcome.
If you’d like more one-on-one therapeutic support to support you in overcoming loneliness, and or social isolation, contact me to schedule a free 20-minute phone consultation.
Also, if you’re not already subscribed, be sure to sign up for MANifest Mondays, my free weekly email designed to offer more tools and tips for living well.
Cheers!
Simon G. Niblock, MA, LMFT, is a licensed psychotherapist, specializing in men’s mental health and wellness. He provides tailored, psychotherapy services and online programs for men and is the author of the Anxiety Workbook for Men, Evidence-based Exercises to Manage Anxiety, Depression, and Worry.
References
Greene. M. (2017). The terrible price our epidemic of male loneliness. Accessed 2021: https://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/male-loneliness-megasahd/
McCurry, P. (2012). Men and isolation. Accessed 2021: https://www.counselling-directory.org.uk/memberarticles/men-and-isolation
Novotney, A. (2019). The risks of social isolation. Monitor on Psychology, 2019, vol 50. Accessed 2021: https://www.apa.org/monitor/2019/05/ce-corner-isolation
Tulane University. (2020). Understanding the effects of social isolation on mental health. Accessed 2021: https://publichealth.tulane.edu/blog/effects-of-social-isolation-on-mental-health/
Weir, K. (2018). Life-saving relationships. Monitor on Psychology, 2018, vol 3. Accessed 2021: https://www.apa.org/monitor/2018/03/life-saving-relationships
