The Shadow Side of “Mr. Nice Guy” & The Hazards of Appeasing
From an early age, we are taught the social importance of putting others before ourselves. We’re told to share our toys, say we’re sorry even when we’re not and to never, ever eat the last cookie without offering it to someone else first. In short - we are taught to appease others, often negating our own true needs and desires.
As boys, learn from parents and teachers, and sometimes even from nosy strangers, how to be good. Being good earns us praise and attention and love. Eventually, good boys grow up to be nice guys, and while being both kind and socially adept are admirable traits, being an appeasing people pleaser is not.
Too many boys grow up with the message that it’s the calm, nice guy who avoids fistfights, or drama, and that conflict is a sign of personal weakness and should be managed. However, according to the Swiss-born, English philosopher, Alain De Botton, it’s a pattern of behavior that is riddled with problems.
A man who describes himself as a people pleaser is a man who is constantly molding or converting himself to meet the expectations of others – while sacrificing the very true nature of himself, his values, principles, and ideas.
Ways of appeasing others might look like:
1 - Agreeing to things that you dislike while remaining quiet about your true opinions.
2 - Overextending yourself to the care of others instead of setting healthy boundaries or asking for help.
3 - Doing what you think others want you to do and saying what you think they want to hear, even if those things don’t align with who you are and what you want.
Since most healthy relationships require compromise from time to time, how do you know if your actions are coming from a place of authentic generosity or if you’re appeasing someone to get their approval and avoid conflict? Detecting whether or not you’re a people pleaser is an inside job.
Appeasing is less about the actions you take and more about how you feel as a result of those actions. If you find you’re automatically extending yourself while also harboring emotional frustration and resentment about doing it, you are appeasing others, rather than acting from an empowered place of conscious choice.
The consequences of appeasing.
At face value, the appeasing man appears amicable, friendly, and very willing to participate in most relationships and activities. However, over time, others start to notice discrepancies in the appeaser’s actions. The appeaser finds ways to excuse himself from events, while overtly stating he wanted to attend. He changes his mind at the last moment after he’s offered a promise or commitment, without any real explanation. He smiles until he snaps - something that appears completely out of character. The appeaser leaves others completely confused and perplexed. They have no idea of what’s actually going on.
Left unattended the monster within grows, and eventually, it seeks some form of expression or outlet. For some men, it's expressed as physical illness or a mental health issue like anxiety or depression. Others express their frustration behaviorally, through aggression, rage, or antisocial behaviors. Some men turn to alternative coping strategies, such as substance abuse, excessive pornography consumption, or compulsive masturbation.
“Resentment is the burden carried by the man who constantly appeases”. - Simon Niblock
When a man has spent the majority of his life appeasing others, he loses sight of his own identity – and he overtly resents everyone else for his struggles, all while the bitterness gnaws at him from the inside.
He constantly asks himself, “why does accommodating the needs of others make me feel so bad?” “Why do I feel this inner conflict when I’m playing the role of the peacekeeper?” and most importantly, “when will someone care about what I want, or attend to my needs?”
Why being an appeaser is a hard habit to break.
Men appease because they are conflict-averse and terrified of displeasing others. They try to avoid looking like the bad guy at all costs – even though the cost to them personally is high. They hate the idea of hurting someone by disappointing them or causing a rift feels like a burden too painful to bear. Unfortunately, this is to their own detriment and the relationships that matter to them.
Robert Glover, the author of No More Mr. Nice Guy, refers to this as the Mr. Nice Guy Syndrome. Glover's premise is that nice guys have been conditioned by their childhoods and by society to believe that they will be successful only if they make everyone happy and never cause any problems for others.
The appeaser gives to get, which is an insidious form of manipulation. He struggles to established boundaries for himself, which relegates him to the role of 'doormat' in some relationships. He adopts the role of the caretaker, the fixer, the friend without benefits, which is his part in the equation of unsatisfying or conflictual relationships.
“The appeaser gives to get, which is an insidious form of manipulation”
Most of all, the appeaser struggles with being congruent - meaning his inner life and outer life do not match. Because of this incongruency, the appeasers can characteristically be dishonest, secretive, manipulative, controlling, passive-aggressive, self-centered, and narcissistic.
Self-subjugation
Self-subjugation is the act of treating yourself, your wishes, or your beliefs as being less important than other people or their wishes or beliefs. Masculine self-subjugation is when men withhold from embracing and expressing their masculinity for fear of reprisal, rejection or ostracization.
Appeasing is a form of self-subjugation, and this occurs when a man is convinced he must become what he thinks others want him to be liked, loved, and get his needs met. He also believes that he must hide anything about himself that might trigger a negative response in others.
“Appeasing is a form of self-subjugation evoked by insecurity”
Essentially, the man who recognizes that he is an appeaser is terrified. He is terrified of not be worthy of love, acceptance, or anything of real value. Most men who honestly share their experience of appeasing will admit that they have a low sense of self-worth.
Self-worth is a fundamental part of our being, and it controls the way we see ourselves. It is a deep knowing that we are of equal divine value, that we are totally loveable and competent in our own ways, and that we are of unfathomable worth.
Somewhere along the way, “nice guys” were taught not to complain, or rock the boat at any point. But the role of being a peacekeeper, especially when it goes against his true needs and desires, robs him of his sense of wellbeing.
Exercise
Here’s some tactics that you can try to help you address the action of appeasing.
1 - Identify the worst-case scenario
Reflect on what would be the worst-case scenario, or catastrophe, if you did what you inherently wanted to do or say in a particular situation. For example, imagine you don't want to stay out drinking all night with mates and would prefer to go home and get an early night’s sleep? What are you imagining? What’s the actual likelihood that this worst-case scenario will occur? Scale the ‘likelihood’ between 0 and 100 (100 = absolute likely to happen).
2 - Examine your belief.
We often worry that the person we want to share our thoughts or opinions with won’t be able to handle or tolerate the ‘bad news’ that we want to share. This is likely due to an experience somewhere in our past where someone did struggle with feedback or confrontation, and we’ve been applying that same assumption with everyone. Most people can have a tough or sensitive conversation without losing it.
3 - Challenge your thoughts about being selfish.
A lot of men who have adopted appeasing behaviors are afraid that expressing how they really feel will make them appear selfish. They are concerned that honoring their own needs and creating practical boundaries like openly saying ‘no’ is unkind or heartless. However, it’s important to remind yourself that it’s all about the intention. Establishing a boundary, to ensure that a need of your own is met, is acting out of kindness – to yourself.
4 - Identify what the best-case scenario would be if you said and did things that align with your true thoughts, desires, and values, instead of being a people pleaser.
When you’re living in congruence, you no longer have to pretend to be someone you’re not. This opens up a world of possibilities and removes the burden of living a double life. If you were to stop appeasing people, how might you feel differently about yourself? Is it possible that your most meaningful relationships might even improve when you’re being authentic?
You can still be a nice guy without becoming Mr. Nice Guy!
Some of the early socialization we receive is fruitful; we learn basic manners that help us navigate social situations and we're also taught to have empathy for others. However, if we start to operate on the principle that the only way to be loved and accepted is to always be compliant, we’re going to become very unhappy as men. The truth is, you can be kind and generous to others while speaking your truth and maintaining healthy boundaries - even when saying ‘no’. As you commit to matching your inner life with your outer life, you'll feel a renewed sense of peace as you rediscover the masculine power you were always meant to possess.
If you're tired of appeasing others and recognize that it leads to more trouble than it's supposed to avoid, I hope you'll consider some of the practical steps provided throughout this article. Of course, if you feel as though you need more personalized guidance, such as a one-on-one session, or group support, please contact me here:
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Cheers
Simon G. Niblock, MA, LMFT, is a licensed psychotherapist, specializing in men’s mental health and wellness. He provides tailored psychotherapy services and online programs for men and is the author of the Anxiety Workbook for Men, Evidence-based Exercises to Manage Anxiety, Depression, and Worry.
