Healthy Selfishness for Men: Lessons from the Male Emperor Penguin

I love a good wildlife documentary.

I especially like those that showcase how the animal kingdom defies the odds and thrives in challenging environments.

One example that never fails to inspire me is the plight of the male Emperor Penguin. These regal creatures, living in the vast icy expanse of the Antarctic, endure one of nature's most extreme tests.

While the female hunts for food after laying her egg, the male stands vigil, shielding the egg from the unforgiving cold. Their resilience in such harsh conditions is truly awe-inspiring.

This stoic creature, the emperor penguin, endures an incredible feat, going without food for up to two months at a time. Battling subzero temperatures, his body weight whittles away, yet he persists, a testament to his resilience.

This extreme sacrifice is fraught with dangerous consequences. It is also an example of the sheer will and determination these creatures require to herald in the next generation.

While the majority of modern men are not subjected to the brutality of the natural world (even though some blokes do choose professions or pursuits that expose themselves to the extremes), this example resonates with the themes of sacrifice — particularly toward those they genuinely care about.

From a very young age, many men are taught to endure, sacrifice, and prioritize others above themselves. They are expected to be the breadwinners, the protectors, and the problem-solvers. This societal pressure often leads to a neglect of their own well-being.

It represents a consideration of the potential burdens men face when striving to make cultural ideals of strength and selfishness.

The Weight of Societal Expectations

Society can be a harsh taskmaster. It teaches men to value themselves as providers, protectors, and problem-solvers. However, they need more room for them to prioritize their own well-being.

Similar to our old friend, the emperor penguin, many men feel compelled to endure their struggles, equating their sacrifice with providing value to others, a sense of strength, and possibly even success.

This leads to an overwhelming sense of pressure with no release valve. Unfortunately, this pressure is maintained due to cultural narratives that discourage expressing vulnerability or focusing on self-care.

Research by Addis and Mahalik (2003) highlights how traditional masculinity norms actively discourage men from seeking help, fostering a stigma around self-care. Men are often taught to "man up" and suppress their needs, leading to emotional isolation, burnout, and even serious health consequences.

The result? Many men live in a state of chronic depletion, neglecting their own needs while striving to meet the expectations of others. While selflessness can be admirable, unchecked self-neglect often leads to frustration, resentment, and diminished capacity to show up for the people and responsibilities they value most.

Strength in Balance: The Power of Healthy Selfishness

Much like the male emperor penguin who endures extreme sacrifice to protect the future, men are often taught to prioritize others above themselves, neglecting their own well-being. But true strength lies in balancing selflessness with self-care, for only by replenishing our own strength can we truly support those we love.

The Consequences of Neglecting Self-Care

The penguin's extreme sacrifice offers a sobering example of the harm that can come from ignoring one's needs. Without balancing his duty to the egg with his own survival, the penguin risks his health — and the life of his offspring.

Similarly, when men overextend themselves without practicing healthy selfishness, the consequences can ripple across their personal and professional lives:

● Burnout: Constantly putting others first can lead to emotional and physical exhaustion.

● Resentment: Neglecting personal needs often breeds resentment, eroding relationships.

● Health Issues: Men who suppress emotions and neglect self-care face higher risks of mental and physical health problems, including depression, anxiety, and heart disease.

While self-sacrifice may seem noble, neglecting self-care often undermines the very responsibilities men are trying to uphold.

Finding Balance: Embracing Healthy Selfishness

Men, like the male emperor penguin, must strike a balance between dedication to others and self-preservation.

Healthy selfishness, a concept championed by psychologists like Erich Fromm and Abraham Maslow, is about meeting one's own needs to build the capacity to support others effectively.

It's not about being self-centered or neglecting others but recognizing that you can't pour from an empty cup. By taking care of yourself, you're better able to show up for the people and responsibilities you value most.

Practical Steps to Prioritize Self-Care

● Set Boundaries: Boundaries are a revolutionary act of self-respect. They allow men to protect their time and energy without guilt. As therapist Lauren Street explains, boundaries aren't walls to keep people out; they're guardrails to prevent emotional burnout.

● Reframe Self-Care: Stop thinking of self-care as indulgence. Maslow called it a necessity, arguing that without addressing your own needs, you can't "climb the hierarchy" to thrive or contribute meaningfully to others.

● Redefine Strength: True strength comes not from enduring everything silently but acknowledging your needs and seeking help when necessary. Self-care isn't selfish — it's a strategy for resilience and success.

● Connect Emotionally: Emotional suppression — the "bottling up" of feelings—leaves men vulnerable to mental health challenges. By creating spaces for open emotional dialogue, men can develop the awareness needed to care for themselves and their relationships.

A Call to Action: Practice Healthy Selfishness

Just as the male penguin must leave the egg to replenish his strength, men must prioritize their well-being to fulfill their responsibilities effectively. Reflect on your own life: Are you setting boundaries? Taking time to recharge? Saying no to obligations that drain you?

Start small. Dedicate just 15 minutes daily to activities that rejuvenate you — whether it's exercise, journaling, or simply enjoying a moment of peace. Learn to say no when needed and focus on what genuinely lights you up.

These steps aren't selfish; they're investments in becoming the best version of yourself for others.

Debrief and Digest

Healthy selfishness isn't just a mindset; it's a lifestyle shift. By embracing it, men can lead fuller, more balanced lives, showing up with energy and purpose for their families, careers, and communities.

Start today. Because when you thrive, so does everyone around you. Maybe it’s time to explore this in more depth?

Cheers, Simon

About the Author:

Simon G. Niblock, MA, LMFT, is a licensed marriage and family therapist based in Austin, Texas, focused on men's psychology, mental health, and wellness. With over a decade of clinical experience, he offers personalized psychotherapy services tailored to the unique needs of men. Simon combines his extensive training with personal insights gained from his own adventures, fostering a collaborative and supportive environment for his clients. His practice is dedicated to helping men navigate emotional distress, enhance their relationships, and unlock their full potential, ensuring they feel empowered and understood throughout the therapeutic process.

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Disclaimer:

The content in this article is for informational purposes only. It does not replace direct professional mental health, medical treatment, or professional care in any way. Seek the support of a physician or other qualified healthcare provider to diagnose and treat any mental health concern directly. Contact 911 or your local emergency services number if you are experiencing a mental health emergency.