Solo Swagger: Men Embracing Singledom
If there is one thing that scares the crap out of most men, it’s the thought of being single. The idea terrifies men.
I’m not saying ALL men. I’m just saying a LOT of men.
Seriously!? Who in their right mind would want to end up like that lonely old fella eating alone in a restaurant? Sad, right?
Well, honestly, it depends.
Intentionally Single Dudes: A Global Phenomenon
In a society that often stigmatizes singledom as a transient and unfortunate phase of life, it becomes important for men to acknowledge the profound significance of embracing and experiencing singledom.
Contrary to our society's musings, the foundation of meaningful and long-lasting relationships rests upon the ability to derive contentment from one's own company. Yes, singledom has some profound benefits.
This perspective sheds light on global trends and gains resonance as recent data from the Pew Research Center reveals a notable shift. The statistics indicate a rise in the number of single men under 30, surging from 51% in 2019 to 63%. And men, especially younger men, are starting to realize this. Furthermore, it’s not just here in North America – this is a global trend.
For many young men, intentionally choosing singledom encompasses focusing on achieving financial stability, a commitment to further education, and a desire to enhance emotional preparedness for future relationships.
This evolving landscape underscores the increasing choice among men to embrace the single life wholeheartedly. By fostering a positive outlook on singledom, men can develop robust and enduring connections when the time is ripe for companionship.
However, it’s not all smooth sailing for guys. There are some real obstacles in the way of adopting the solo swagger.
The Challenge of Singledom Perception
The idea of being a single man can be a tough label to advocate for. Just take a moment to think of the odd messages men receive if they declare themselves as ‘intentionally single.’
Society tends to portray being single as an involuntary and depressing state, perpetuating the notion that one's worth is tied to being in a relationship. Men are often taught that being in a relationship is a sign of success. Oddly, it’s seen as a status symbol, and being single is somehow "less than."
For example, a thousand American undergraduate students were asked to list the characteristics they associated with married and single individuals. Compared to single people, partnered/married individuals were more likely to be described as mature, happy, kind, honest, and loving. Conversely, singles were described as immature, insecure, self-centered, unhappy, lonely, and even ugly.
Many men already struggle with the idea that they aren’t enough. The pressure to be in a relationship can evoke the feeling that they are not living up to societal expectations. This pressure creates a sense of desperation, which can lead men to behave in ways detrimental to everyone’s best interest.
The Pitfalls of Emotional Desperation
We all do silly things when we feel desperate, and we do even sillier things when faced with the idea of being alone. But we’re human, and that’s universal.
The pressure to meet social expectations creates a sense of misery that can compromise our judgment when choosing a partner.
It’s not uncommon for men to openly and honestly say that they were seeking a relationship, not for the individual – but to avoid being alone. The more desperate a man feels, the more likely he is to engage in behaviors that reinforce negative emotions, creating a challenging cycle to break.
Emotional desperation may lead us into relationships that prove unsatisfactory in the long run. The desperation itself can become a self-perpetuating cycle.
Emotionally desperate guys may resort to manipulative tactics to gain sympathy, attention, or affection to fulfill their emotional needs. This can damage relationships and erode trust, which is already shaky.
Understanding that being in an unhappy relationship can be lonelier than being alone is crucial.
The best guarantee of a successful relationship is inherently believing that you can flourish on your own.
Building a Positive Mental Model of Being Single
The central challenge of being alone is the fear associated with what ‘singledom’ means. Overcoming this fear is about refusing to be placed in the box society is so desperate to fit men into. Shifting our perspective is key. Instead of viewing being alone as a deficiency or a failure to meet societal standards, it's essential to recognize it as a conscious choice, a decision to prioritize personal growth and well-being. How can men do this?
Understanding that we can decide not to be alone but choose solitude because the wrong company can be lonelier is a powerful realization. Rather than merely seeking companionship to avoid solitude, embracing solitude allows for a deeper understanding of oneself.
To redefine the meaning of being alone, we must reevaluate our thoughts about solitude. Being alone is not a sign of rejection but an informed choice about the kind of company we keep.
Instead of viewing being single as a mere gap between relationships, recognize its value and the opportunities it presents for personal growth and self-discovery. It’s about immersing oneself in the experience of singledom and using this time to focus on personal growth, self-discovery, and building a fulfilling life for yourself.
Managing Expectations and Patience
Finding the right partner is akin to landing a great job or a beautiful house. It takes time and patience. Understand that a decade might be a plausible timeframe and manage your expectations.
Practicing patience is a crucial aspect of emotional intelligence. It involves managing emotions, understanding others, and navigating social interactions, all while delaying immediate gratification for something more rewarding later.
The development of patience significantly contributes to a person's overall emotional intelligence, leading to better interpersonal relationships and a more resilient emotional state. We find ourselves engaging our partner with a greater sense of calm and balance.
As a result, we are more resilient to the ups and downs, and we can navigate the journey of finding a meaningful relationship with a healthier perspective.
The Strength of Independence in Relationships
And here’s the BIG ONE!
The best guarantee of a successful relationship is inherently believing that you can flourish on your own.
It is all about disproving the cognitive distortion that you cannot survive without another person sharing your every day and that you might end up living in a state of perpetual isolation.
The thought of being ‘that old dude who eats alone at the bar in a restaurant’ is the worst case imaginable. Yet, there is tremendous value in confronting that fear squarely in the face.
A sense of fortitude in the face of solitude creates a healthier dynamic of interdependence. Interdependence refers to a mutual reliance or interconnectedness between individuals.
This interdependence means we seek a partner who deeply contributes to our lives, not someone who fulfills our daily wants.
Thriving on our own provides the strength to end unsatisfactory unions and approach relationships with wisdom and emotional reliance.
Debrief and Digest: The Path to Lasting Relationships
In a world where societal expectations often dictate our worth based on relationship status, the narrative surrounding singledom is gradually shifting.
As the stigma surrounding being single diminishes, so too does the pressure to hastily enter relationships driven by fear of loneliness. The experience of being single is not a detour but an integral part of their personal journey.
Men who have embraced and understood the significance of singledom are better positioned to forge lasting and meaningful connections.
By fostering a positive mindset towards singledom, men empower themselves to cultivate fulfilling lives independently, laying the groundwork for healthier and more meaningful relationships in the future.
So, let's raise a toast to men and their solo swagger, for it is in embracing our solitude that they truly learn to thrive.
An Invitation
If you're feeling lost, alone, unsure of your path, or grappling with some of life’s greater challenges, it's time to embark on this transformative journey with a personalized consultation. With professional guidance, you can overcome challenges, find clarity, and navigate life's complexities.
Ready to take the first step? Schedule your consultation today and unlock the path to a more fulfilled and authentic you.
Cheers, Simon
About the Author:
Simon G. Niblock, MA, LMFT, is a licensed family and clinical psychotherapist specializing in men’s mental health and wellness in Austin, Texas. He provides tailored in-person and virtual psychotherapy services for men and is the author of the Anxiety Workbook for Men, Evidence-based Exercises to Manage Anxiety, Depression, and Worry.
Important Notice: The content in this article is for informational purposes only. It does not replace direct professional mental health, medical treatment, or professional care in any way. Seek the support of a physician or other qualified healthcare provider to diagnose and treat any mental health concern directly. Contact 911 or your local emergency services number if you are experiencing a mental health emergency.
References:
Elyakim, K. (2019). Why People Don’t Like Singles. Retrieved from https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/happy-singlehood/201910/why-people-dont-singles
Gelles-Watnick, R. (2023). For Valentine’s Day, 5 facts about single Americans. Pew Research Center. Retrieved from https://www.pewresearch.org/short-reads/2023/02/08/for-valentines-day-5-facts-about-single-americans/
Kim, J. (2023). How To Be Single. On Purpose. Retrieved from https://angrytherapist.medium.com/how-to-be-single-on-purpose-2c99b2d10717
Luscombe, B. (2021). Men Are Now More Likely to Be Single Than Women. It’s Not a Good Sign. Retrieved from https://time.com/6104105/more-single-men-than-women/
The School of Life. (2024). The Importance of Being Single. Retrieved from https://www.theschooloflife.com/article/the-importance-of-being-single/?/&utm_source=Iterable&utm_medium=email&utm_campaign=campaign_February%20Articles%20Email%201%20-%2006/02%20send
